A piece

I was unconsciously staring at his broad back. Warm, inviting, comforting. As if he can sense me watching, he suddenly turned to me. He was staring at me with his intense eyes, as if expecting me to say something to him. I can only freeze in my place, unable to think of something when he held such stare. Slowly, he walked to me, closer and closer, closing each gaps between us. He sat next to me, our knees brushed, our hands touching each other. He suddenly pull my head to his shoulder. I stiffened, before finally relaxed my body into him. He didn’t say anything, just holding my hair to keep my head in his shoulder. I can hear his breath on my head as he put his chin above me. It’s calming and making my heart beats faster at the same time. For a while we only stay there in silence, none of us dare to burst this comfortable bubble. Until I heard him say it. The one sentence that I wanted him to say so much since the beginning of the day. But why do I feel guilty too?

Draft

Is this what’s going to happen when I build my own family? The father will not earn much. The mother will try her hardest to make ends meet. And then, when the child is born, the father will discipline her so bad that violence become an excuse. The child will grow up as a very timid girl, who wishes to become a rebel, but instead will go back to her shell as soon as someone speak a pitch higher than they used to, a sign of the childhood trauma. As if it’s programmed in her head that one little bad behavior will result of same pain she experienced when she first felt the pain that comes from her own circle, the very person who should have been the first one to chase away everyone who tried to hurt her. As they are all got older, the kid will already developed a high wall around her heart, not letting anyone in, not letting herself feel. The parents will fights with no make ups, attempting to separate but then suppressed it and agreeing to live in different room instead. The parents will no longer feel the love from each other, living only as a companion till finally one of them, or perhaps both, forever leaving this world. The kid who already had lack of love since childhood, facing an even loveless environment growing up, having a really hard time believing in love, or in someone else other than herself. Because everyone has a very big power of crushing her already fragile heart. Because she no longer want to feel the hurt she felt a long time ago so she settled to the emptiness….

The Sad Piece

I hope you enjoy it 

***

The Sad Piece

She felt so light like she was flying. She realized it’s her time now. She felt more and more unattached with her body, like cotton that’s ready to be blown to the sky by the wind. She had experienced it many times before to know the tell tale sign of it. It felt like she was ready to fly, the only difference is she usually had this feeling that something is holding her down from flying too high, like a balloon tied to a stone to keep it flying high enough to reach the clouds. But this time, she didn’t feel it. Nothing is weighing her back to the ground, so she was sure that this time she will fly really high, leaving the ground behind. She was leaving her body, leaving her fragile self to meet the freedom she always wanted since long ago. She embraced the freedom, but at the same time felt so sad for leaving him alone. Him. The one who managed to change her path of life at her last crossroads. It pained her to see Aidan, someone who introduced her to a feeling called love, crushed by her departure.

But then again, she was unable to stop it to happen. Even though part of her embraced it, there was a small part which hoped to still be here, in the same world as Aidan. However, she could only watch it unfold, watching freedom forced her to separate with her dearest one. Just when live was treating her fair enough, she had to go. It’s like her form of happy ending, leaving it like this so there won’t be new problems or new pains. Everything is finally solved and settled, marking the end of her journey. She was lucky enough to be able to live this far. To bear with all the pains which constantly hitting her from all sides, until finally received a happy ending like a fairy tales she remembered her teacher told her a long time ago. She embraced her freedom with no remorse, knowing she will not feel anymore pain after this. No more weak body that’s unable to grant her wish to move as freely as she wanted or time wasting in a four walls room without having enough energy to bounce around the world she wished to see.

She did regret one thing, though. She really wished there’s something she can do to help him let her go without tears. She regretted not letting him go before everything went worse, because she knew very well where her story will end. She was too selfish to try to let him go and live his life without her departure affecting the rest of his life. She could only hope their daughter will ease his pain even for a little. He knew as well that this was what she wanted since the beginning. To finally being lifted from the curse that is life, to be painless. He just refused to acknowledge that fact because it meant that there will be a part of his time that would not be spent with her anymore. And acknowledging it made his chest hurts, made his breathing ragged, and made living in the world made no sense. But their daughter will bring him back to life. If not for him, at least he would life for their daughter.

Her daughter will be so devastated, having lost her mother at the tender age of 14. A time where she should be at a rebellious stage, will be replaced by endless crying night and day, asking for her mother who would not come back. Losing a mother who always forced herself to stand up and made breakfast as well as dinner for her, suppressed her rebellion side. And now she understood why her mother always involving her in the cooking and cleaning duties ever since she was little. It was to prepare in case something like this was to happen, so at least their daughter knew how to properly take care of herself, and probably her dad too. Or in this state, at least she can make sure her dad ate properly so she won’t lost both of her parents not long after the other.

***

Aidan was weeping silently, letting waterworks drenched his cheek as he saw this time coming. He held her hand that slowly lost its warmth and colorless, watched her eyes closed and would not open up ever again. He already missed her big brown eyes under the long lashes that captured his heart once upon a time. He still couldn’t believe that she lost that war, a war where he never found a survivor. She has been so strong all this time, fighting for seven years against her own body to stay in this world. He thought maybe this was her limit. Or she was already too tired to keep her armor up and go against all the odds.

She has been holding herself like a piece of a glass for a while, maybe it’s time for her to leave it behind and go somewhere else. Little did she knows, she left a thousands of pieces of broken glass scattered all around with nobody unable to fix it. His daughter was sitting opposite him, holding her other hand with her head on the bed, her shoulder shaking though no sound of sobbing was heard. Fortunately for them, his daughter didn’t share her mother’s weak gene, because he didn’t think he will survive repeating the whole ordeal of her wife to his beloved daughter. As much as she reminded him of his beautiful wife, he was glad that he had her around. She was the only reason he was not falling apart completely. She is the thin thread that keep him tied to this world, and made him think twice to follow his wife wherever she was now. She is the only legacy his wife had left behind, the only proof that she was exist in this world once. He though that it is a smart move of her to leave a child before she was gone. Both he and his daughter were holding each other’s life and made them not break apart completely. They will have each other to shoulder the cries and a responsibility to each other to keep living despite her leaving.

***

The flat line of her heart machine had already beeped for two minutes and the nurses started to realize that something is wrong in room number 313. Even though it was just two minutes, it felt like forever for both of them, as they weeping silently, not moving an inch.

The doctor burst into the room to check on her patient with a flat line tone, but Aidan and his daughter knew enough that there was nothing left the doctor can do. The doctor finally gave that dreaded statement, one which made everything felt more real when said out loud, a statement which he always dreaded whenever he was here with his wife. “She’s already passed away. Time of death…” Aidan could not hear past that point. His ears are ringing so bad that not even the consolation from the doctor and nurses were heard by him.

***

The rest of the time was blurred after he heard the dreaded statement. From the time his wife came back to their life lifeless, until she was six feet under. Her last time coming to their house was without beautiful smile etched on her face or beautiful laugh resonance throughout the house. His once dream house had turned cold and lifeless, just like her wife’s body. It’s like his wife took the lively atmosphere in the house with her, leaving him and his daughter shaking with colds and drenched in tears. Everything was like he was watching his nightmare aired live. Numb and unresponsive, that’s all the feeling that he knew right now. Even if someone slapped him or stabbed him right now, he was sure he would not feel any pain at all.

This house wasn’t her home anymore, she had moved so far away to the place where he couldn’t come and visit her. Not by phone or email, only in his dream she could come and meet him. He was hugging her daughter’s shoulder tightly while watching his wife returned to the nature element while her soul was long, long gone way before that. He remembered her last word from the night before her departure: “It’s a goodbye for now, but only for a while. I’ll meet you when your time comes. Before that happens, please live a good life, make the best of it like what I always dreamed about. Make sure you leave our daughter a comfortable live before you go, so she can continue to enjoy her life while we continue ours and watch her. We will meet again…”

***The End***

Departure

We started off good. I mean, they are all tolerable enough. I’m not easily get close with someone, not as fast as them. Plus I met them a week later than planned, so I’m a bit left behind on the introduction. It’s also a bit hard for me to adapt with their outgoing personality. Many times I found myself sitting silently in the room while they talk among themselves animatedly. It’s not because I’m antisocial or something. I’m just used to have a lot of ‘me’ time before this, so being with them 24/7 is a bit tiring. Sometimes they’re too noisy when I need silence. And the more I stay away from them, the more I lost chances of knowing more about them.

We don’t have a lot in common since the beginning. I love to read and none of them can barely stand to look at a piece of paper for a long period of time. I love to draw and really appreciate something artistic to pass my time, but they prefer to go out to some bars and waste the night away dancing with stranger. That doesn’t mean we’re too different that we can’t get along at all. I do enjoy their company when I need it. Their jokes and banters with each other crack me up sometimes. I do learn about the outside world beside mine, their world, and how to handle it. And we have something in common, tattoos. We all share the likes of body art, this is what I enjoy the most when talking with them.

Yes, I love singing, I love making music. Sadly, my kind of music is different with their definitions. Again, another gap between us that possibly couldn’t be closed. And I almost lost all the battles regarding music with them, since Harry has an opposite taste of music with mine, and he’s very charming that of course Louis as the big brother figure melt to his charm. Liam has the same taste as Harry so there will be three against one. And even though Niall may have the same perception as me, we will still lose. But the fact is, Niall is very open to every genre of music so he doesn’t mind whichever music we’re making. So, Niall is no help either.

This bring me to my thoughts. What I really want and what the world wants. They say, a group’s interest has to be prioritized more than one’s interest. Is that mean I have to live a life like an outcast in a group for the rest of my life? Isn’t that mean I’m wasting my time doing things I don’t actually enjoy?

Long and hard I think, should I go find my own path and disappoint those who support me from the beginning to be in that group? But actually I can’t find myself continuing to walk with them in front of me while I’m running behind them like a follower, my path blocked by them. Which one is better, me making my new journey and shaking the whole fans’ world or keep silent and burry my own perception?

Now I’ve decided. I sat with all of them one day, sitting through this decision of mine which I know will be hard for them as much as it will be hard for me. But this is for the best. We’re too different to stay together. I’m too different for all of you. We don’t share the same sense of humor. We can’t connect through the art or books. We even have different view of heaven and hell, and too much culture differences that you guys can only look at me with deep frown in your face. We’re not compatible, no matter how hard I try to fit in without changing myself completely.

So this is a goodbye. We may not be riding in the same bus talking about crazy things on the stage while we still drenched in our sweats. We may not singing together in harmony in front of thousands of screaming fans. We may not messing with the crew in between the tight schedules. But we can still meet. When you’re all can escape from the routine, we can meet and relive all the good time we had when we’re together. It’s a goodbye for now, but this isn’t forever. We may have different path now, but we can still meet in the crossroads someday…

***

Please excuse my grammar, or if it’s too bothersome, feel free to fix it :)
Happy reading and please comment if you like :>