Dear Diary

We have different view regarding work, my mom and I. While my mom thinks of how much I am going to be paid on my job and how I should stick to the work hours, I choose to find comfort in my job. I mean, since I will be doing it for the rest of my life (probably) so comfort is the most important thing, right? And when we talk about comfort, I mean it’s about the difficulty of the job, the team I’m in, and the boss I have to face everyday. As long as the job is not that hard to do on everyday basis, the team is solid and fun to be with everyday, and the boss is bearable, that’s the kind of workplace I want in. With an additional of a reasonable work hours, I think it’s a good enough workplace for me. But my mom thinks differently. In her mind, higher education means higher pay on the job. She thought higher education means better life. While I think that it is not wrong, I also think that it’s not exactly right. At some point, I do have a better job than my dad. At least, I don’t have to work on shift, I only work for 8 hours a day, my work is not a labor that requires a lot of muscles and all that heavy things. I do come home later than it should have, but we laugh and joke around during the overtime. I guess that’s one of the things that make us forget that it’s way past the end of working hours, because we’re having so much fun that we’re a bit reluctant to go home.

Maybe that’s because I never think that money is my first priority in life. As long as I have enough, that’s fine. Besides, I didn’t work full hours for 8 hours. There are a lot of laughs and jokes along the way, and that’s the most important things that I’m looking forward to when I get ready to work. I rather have a fun work environment who pay me for a bit less than having a big pay but in a stressful environment (for me). That’s all I see from people around me. They might pay bigger and have Saturday off, but they work on target and deadlines, they require thinking so hard or working so fast for quite a long time. So different from my current job. While it’s sometimes stressful (which work isn’t?) but at least I got to share it with the teammates. It got stressful for a few hours, but it never drags on for a long time, and we can always ask for help from everyone including our boss if we hit a dead end. They won’t judge you. And when you got home, you don’t have to bring your work along, you don’t have to keep working on your day off. 

That’s quite different from a few friends of mine. Some are having a shorter work hours, but have to bring the work home. Some may not have to bring the work home, but have to have a full concentration and be serious during work hours, or the target won’t be achieved. Some have the option to bring the work home or doing it on the office, but still need to brainstorm a fresh and untouched idea in order to go on sometimes. I mean, what if we’re in a bad mood but the boss wants us to have a good idea? I won’t have any if I’m having a bad mood. And that tends to happen a lot in my time of working, no matter how fun the work environment is. Since I’m mostly an introvert type, I have a bigger tendency to be alone than surrounded by people all day while at the same time have a need to interact with other people to get rid of the boredom. So working alone will get me mad and working together will make me in a lot of bad mood.

Then again, I’m not exactly the kind who’s easily get annoyed. Only very special kinds are able to tick me off. I really hate it when people ask me to do something so easy that they can do it by themselves, but too lazy to do it so they ask me instead. I mean, I’m all about helping people, but it irks me when they take advantage of that and ask for my help for every single thing that they do. As if I don’t have a job of my own. I also really, really hate people who ask such a trifling question, especially so early in the morning. There are questions that only I can answer, and there are questions that everyone should have known the answer because it’s basic. I will gladly answer if it’s a question that only I have the answer. But if it’s basic question, I think you should have paid attention the first few days that I or other people taught you. Such a wasting time when someone ask something that lack of quality on the question. There are also questions that only the expertise can answer, but still ask for my answer. Do you think I’m Google that has all the answer you’re looking for? If you’re asking about an invoice, ask accounting or the supplier who made the invoice. If you’re asking about delivery note, ask the one who made the delivery note or the warehouse who received them, why ask me, the one who only make the PO, who doesn’t have a clue when the goods arrived unless they encountered a problem at THAT time? That kind of questions really getting on my nerves sometimes. And the worst thing is when someone ask the same question or the related topic again and again in the span of less than 30 minutes. Why don’t you think of it all first and fire all the questions in one shot? I have a job too, you know. And your interrupting is messing my concentration in my job at hand.  

That’s when I realized, “A good teammate is not necessarily a good friend, and vice versa”. That’s what I learned from my experience of working for 2 years. What experience you got from the years of you working?

Point of view

Being the first born means that you have all that responsibility for everything around you. You are a successor for your parents. Everyone in your circle will highly expect great things done by you. Being a successor means you will have to think about your family's well being in place of the parents. This, resulting in having to give everything you have and thinking nothing for yourself.

Unlike the second born and beyond, you have no choice to say no. They expect you to always says yes to things related to decision about what you should do to ensure everyone's well being is taken care of. Every decision you made revolves around whether it would impact on their future and happiness, despite the ignorance of one self. The second born and onward will have more chance to voice their own choice, they will be able to think of themselves among the expectations. The expectation they have is second handed, so it's not come as strong as it should have. They will be freer to make their own decision based on their favourite things instead of the impact it will have on the well being of the others. If they find any obstacles, all they had to do is ask the successor for help and everything will be taken care of. They will be able to do a lot of risks at a chance to grow up, where the first born will have to grow up without having to burden those around her. First born already drilled from a young age that everyone is your responsibility that you never have time to think about what you want to do to yourself. So when there's time where everyone finally growing up and all you have to do is just supervise and make sure they don't stray from the path they choose, first born finally have more free time than they remember. 

The problem lies there. With more free time and nothing to do with it, first born will look lost. Having always have something to think about beside yourself and make sure everything goes well have its own downfall when you no longer required to do so full time, 24/7. You don't know what to do with your freedom. You were never have such things since young age, so you never know what to make off of that will. You never know what you want to do to yourself without thinking where the decision will lead the rest to. And when the rest are comfortable with their own path even when it means parting with the others, you are left in the junction yourself. No matter which choice you take, it will no longer affect the circle. That's weird, having that kind of freedom to choose. You don't know and not sure which decision to make when it concerns yourself and only your well being. You're not even sure that this is what you wanted. You never want anything because you never learn to want anything for yourself. The time in he past you were too occupied to think of what you want to do with your privilege, the privilege that second born onwards have ever since they know how to make their own decision.

So when the rest are walking comfortably in their own path, in their own pace, you are pacing restlessly in the same junction they left you, hoping they would come back in case something goes wrong on the path they choose. You will eventually build a house in the very same spot you were left in case you need to catch them and show them your kind of comfort, one they familiar with since their young age when they thought they shouldn't go their own way. In the end of the day, you wished they will never go their separate ways. Because all you did and all you do up until this very moment always revolved around them. Your world revolves around them.

Blabs

Do you know, it only would've taken two seconds to say goodbye?

I think I'm not the kind of girl who's easily get angry at anything. But I really really hate it (and angry of course) when someone just dropped me like I'm a hot potato. I mean, you could at least tell me where I’ve done wrong, so maybe I can get out of your picture peacefully. But just kicked me out of the background without any explanation? Well, that will be a long lasting hate that you will get out of me. And I will not be bothered to ask you why. If you already cut ties with me, I should could it in my end too. No question has to be asked. Why keep something that won't hold on the other end of the side? If you didn't bother to talk to me about it, I should not waste my breath in trying to reconnect. If you don't care anymore, why would I?

Usually, I'm very open to explanation. The first few days, when everything was still fresh and I still sorting my head trying to find the fault in all this, I also give the other party a chance to rethink their decision, or give the explanation that I know I deserve. An excuse would be fine too, you know. But once that chance is over, everything is closed. The chance to make excuses, explain, apologize, even if you wanted to reconnect and merely bridging it between us with a thin thread, I won't acknowledge it.

Then again, this is my first time seeing it myself. To see someone who always thought high and mighty of themselves and act like a snob to people who didn't "understand" you. Claiming that they are unique when the truth is they just walking in their high horse and refused to mingle with people down here, afraid of... I don't even know –or want to know— what. At first I thought it's just the confidence speaking. But now I realized there's a thin line between being confident and arrogant. Won't open up to new things, pushing aside things that won't go their way, looking for someone to agree with you so you won't feel guilty... That's being arrogant.

I was silent a few years back even though there were things that I did not agree with. I thought it's because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so her opinion and mine should not always be the same. That's why I keep quiet, that she can speak all of her opinion and ask for the agreement to safe herself, but I am also entitled to my own opinion and my opinion at that time was to not agree with hers. But thinking back, I should've known that this would happen. I know there will be a time when she thought that one of the people surrounding her is no longer enough for her that she has to push that person down.

I admired the other girl back then, for being able to walk out because she simply being an ass to her. I completely agree with her opinion but can't do nothing since I am just this weak self. I do try to voice my opinion at that time. But since I am the kind of girl who does not have that much motivation, once I saw a hard case of a woman in front of me, I didn't bother to change or challenge her.

You know, I never envy her when she got along with everyone and I was just merely a background, scrolling every alphabets present in the tiny screen to just find a clue how I can get involved. That's why I never understand jealousy as the motivation. Maybe I just lack of feminine feeling, or just simple insensitive and oblivious. But this is just ridiculous. You're being ridiculous and I’m being ridiculous too… but at least I gain something for being this ridiculous self...

One Path

Limits in Power

No I can't fly, can't swim across the sea. I don't wonder why, it's just the way it's gonna be... (Jonas Brothers – The World)

One sentence can have a very deep meaning to me. Like my favorite lyric above. For me, that lyric means that I have limits, and I can never surpass that limit no matter what I do. And I also don't have to wonder about it because that is how I am designed. Everybody has flaws, and as a human we have limits in terms of our power. And there is always opposite to everything in this world. So, if there is a limit to someone's power, there is also something else who have unlimited power. That's one way to believe in God, for he has no limit in everything, unlike human who is not perfect.

I don't have to get upset with my limitations, because if I have limits then I must have a power in the first place. Most importantly, even though I have limit, that doesn't mean I have to just give up when I thought I know my limits. Knowledge is an illusion for me. The more I know about some things, the more I seem to realize that I'm lost, that I don’t know anything. I don't think it is useless... In fact it is very useful to guide your life. It's just... for me, sometimes when I learn new knowledge I will realize that I am lost, and in order to get back to the right track I need to gather new knowledge about that 'right track'. It seems like I was back to zero, you know. I know something, but at the same time I'm clueless.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop looking for knowledge because that means I let myself to get lost in the blank space. This also applied in knowing my limits. Even though I thought I know my limits, that don’t mean it is really my limits before I break. Just like a rubber band, we can always stretch our limits, and it will be the end of our stretch limit when we break. I'm not afraid of breaking. There will always be a way back to fix broken things. Even if it's beyond broken, there will always be a way back to the time before we were born, or to the afterlife because this is not the only world I would be living in.

When we know our limits, indirectly we will know how powerful we are. When we realize the great abilities our little body possesses, we tend to forget our surrounding and be blinded with power, and more power. By keeping in mind that we have the limits, it’s like we are pulled back to the ground after realizing that we can fly so high we think nobody won't be able to touch us. It makes us down to earth, not boasting how great we are to the world or regard the rest as no importance.