Blabs

Do you know, it only would've taken two seconds to say goodbye?

I think I'm not the kind of girl who's easily get angry at anything. But I really really hate it (and angry of course) when someone just dropped me like I'm a hot potato. I mean, you could at least tell me where I’ve done wrong, so maybe I can get out of your picture peacefully. But just kicked me out of the background without any explanation? Well, that will be a long lasting hate that you will get out of me. And I will not be bothered to ask you why. If you already cut ties with me, I should could it in my end too. No question has to be asked. Why keep something that won't hold on the other end of the side? If you didn't bother to talk to me about it, I should not waste my breath in trying to reconnect. If you don't care anymore, why would I?

Usually, I'm very open to explanation. The first few days, when everything was still fresh and I still sorting my head trying to find the fault in all this, I also give the other party a chance to rethink their decision, or give the explanation that I know I deserve. An excuse would be fine too, you know. But once that chance is over, everything is closed. The chance to make excuses, explain, apologize, even if you wanted to reconnect and merely bridging it between us with a thin thread, I won't acknowledge it.

Then again, this is my first time seeing it myself. To see someone who always thought high and mighty of themselves and act like a snob to people who didn't "understand" you. Claiming that they are unique when the truth is they just walking in their high horse and refused to mingle with people down here, afraid of... I don't even know –or want to know— what. At first I thought it's just the confidence speaking. But now I realized there's a thin line between being confident and arrogant. Won't open up to new things, pushing aside things that won't go their way, looking for someone to agree with you so you won't feel guilty... That's being arrogant.

I was silent a few years back even though there were things that I did not agree with. I thought it's because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so her opinion and mine should not always be the same. That's why I keep quiet, that she can speak all of her opinion and ask for the agreement to safe herself, but I am also entitled to my own opinion and my opinion at that time was to not agree with hers. But thinking back, I should've known that this would happen. I know there will be a time when she thought that one of the people surrounding her is no longer enough for her that she has to push that person down.

I admired the other girl back then, for being able to walk out because she simply being an ass to her. I completely agree with her opinion but can't do nothing since I am just this weak self. I do try to voice my opinion at that time. But since I am the kind of girl who does not have that much motivation, once I saw a hard case of a woman in front of me, I didn't bother to change or challenge her.

You know, I never envy her when she got along with everyone and I was just merely a background, scrolling every alphabets present in the tiny screen to just find a clue how I can get involved. That's why I never understand jealousy as the motivation. Maybe I just lack of feminine feeling, or just simple insensitive and oblivious. But this is just ridiculous. You're being ridiculous and I’m being ridiculous too… but at least I gain something for being this ridiculous self...

Limits in Power

No I can't fly, can't swim across the sea. I don't wonder why, it's just the way it's gonna be... (Jonas Brothers – The World)

One sentence can have a very deep meaning to me. Like my favorite lyric above. For me, that lyric means that I have limits, and I can never surpass that limit no matter what I do. And I also don't have to wonder about it because that is how I am designed. Everybody has flaws, and as a human we have limits in terms of our power. And there is always opposite to everything in this world. So, if there is a limit to someone's power, there is also something else who have unlimited power. That's one way to believe in God, for he has no limit in everything, unlike human who is not perfect.

I don't have to get upset with my limitations, because if I have limits then I must have a power in the first place. Most importantly, even though I have limit, that doesn't mean I have to just give up when I thought I know my limits. Knowledge is an illusion for me. The more I know about some things, the more I seem to realize that I'm lost, that I don’t know anything. I don't think it is useless... In fact it is very useful to guide your life. It's just... for me, sometimes when I learn new knowledge I will realize that I am lost, and in order to get back to the right track I need to gather new knowledge about that 'right track'. It seems like I was back to zero, you know. I know something, but at the same time I'm clueless.

But that doesn't mean I have to stop looking for knowledge because that means I let myself to get lost in the blank space. This also applied in knowing my limits. Even though I thought I know my limits, that don’t mean it is really my limits before I break. Just like a rubber band, we can always stretch our limits, and it will be the end of our stretch limit when we break. I'm not afraid of breaking. There will always be a way back to fix broken things. Even if it's beyond broken, there will always be a way back to the time before we were born, or to the afterlife because this is not the only world I would be living in.

When we know our limits, indirectly we will know how powerful we are. When we realize the great abilities our little body possesses, we tend to forget our surrounding and be blinded with power, and more power. By keeping in mind that we have the limits, it’s like we are pulled back to the ground after realizing that we can fly so high we think nobody won't be able to touch us. It makes us down to earth, not boasting how great we are to the world or regard the rest as no importance.